weirdest time of year
if you’re feeling lost this holiday season
It’s almost Christmas, and I’m wondering if I was cut out for all this. I’m at an odd point in my life and it’s an odd time of year, at least for me. The holidays carry an odd weight, half comforting and half suffocating. I can feel something missing and I’m not sure if it’s missing from me or everyone around me.
Recently, I’ve been thinking something needs to change. I feel the need to do something drastic, something that would shake the equilibrium of my life until it's dizzy and unsteady on its feet. Maybe I should cut my hair. Get a tattoo. Pierce my nose. Any of these things would be great because they give the illusion of change without really having to commit to anything. I get to walk around my life with a new appearance and still keep all my bad habits.
I don’t know what I’m doing. My life is set in stone. Fate has grabbed me by the soft skin at my throat and refuses to let go. I have to remind myself to breathe. I have to remind myself nothing is permanent, and really I’m only beginning. I turn nineteen next month, and I’ve convinced myself everything is already over.
I wonder if being young is just a cycle of believing something is irredeemably wrong with you and being proven wrong over and over again. I don’t know if I’m particularly good at loving other people. I don’t think they’re good at loving me, either. I wish things were easier, but then I think everything is too easy and I should be pushing myself more.
Sometimes I drive to the cemetery a few miles from my house and watch deer meander through the graves. Every few years, I develop a certain kinship with a specific animal. In my junior year of high school, it was Canadian geese. Right now, it’s deer. Something about the sharp, strong lines of their antlers and black twitching noses makes me feel at peace. Deer are skittish in an instinctual way, which I identify with. They know what it’s like to feel hunted.
I feel hunted and haunted every moment of my life, and I don’t know what to do with all of it. I don’t know where to put it all, so I carry it with me in my pockets and let it weigh me down.
The new year is close. I’m ultra-sensitive to new beginnings. 2024 was a whirlwind for me, not always in a good way. Grief looked me in the face and shook my hand and I cowered under its gaze. I try to be hopeful, but this year taught me life swells and shrinks and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Life drags me along and I let it. Something needs to change.
This isn’t like me, I promise. I’m not a pessimistic person. Sometimes you need to wallow, though. I wallow in words and if you’re reading them, I hope they mean something to someone besides me. I think that’s the carefully shadowed hope of every writer.
I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted or even interacted here. I started this Substack in June, and it feels like one of the only things that make sense from this year. I want this for myself. Thank you for reading and letting me have this.
As we go through the holidays and into the new year, I hope you’re all well. I hope you know warmth and love this holiday season. I hope the new year is kind to you.
until next time,
grace <3
I liked this after the first paragraph and that says a lot. I've been going through a particularly rough and confusing patch in life, feeling lost with no guidance. I've cried and told so many people but all advice has been shallow and unhelpful. I deeply resonated with this post and the way it's written. You possess such an amazing quality to be able to write in such a way, think the way you have here. I know it's not much but I want you to know, you're not alone. You're not the only ones who's life feels like it's falling apart, not the only one who's young but who's bones feel like they've been carrying weight for centuries, who should understand things but cant. Who usually figures it out but cant. You're not alone. Amazing post, amazing writing, thank you for this.
this was beautifully written